Monday, May 14, 2012

The Deliciously Despicable Debauchery That Is Duck Dynasty 

      These days if you can force something even resembling an alliteration, you've got yourself a show. Granted it's more than likely going to air in the dark and bile drenched recesses of modern TV, but hey, it's still TV. If you've got your shoehorned alliteration in hand there's really only one other ingredient that is an absolute must for a clearance on mindless dreck: crazy/stupid people existing in front of cameras (if you can manage both, E! should be kicking your door down within minutes). 

I'm so sorry for the automatic soul drain caused by viewing this image.

        Alliterations, for all their truly great qualities (see every notable super hero), have taken on an odd enabling capability and recently become a crushingly relentless trend. Now I'm not going to get into the myriad of shows that utilize this trend because I want to devote the lion's share of this column to one particular little gem, also if you're currently a living human you should know exactly what I'm talking about.

"Blake Lively is so talented!" Exclaimed no one, ever.

hit the jump to read about ducks!

          So yes, there's a metric shit ton of shows running around your eyes, all touting alliterative titles, old news. I get that I really do but recently I stumbled upon a show so gloriously absurd that I just had to rant about it (hence this post being conveniently labeled under "rants"). That show is Duck Dynasty. Please take a moment and just absorb the pure awesome that oozes from that title. Duck. Fucking. Dynasty. 
          Sadly, the ensemble within Duck Dynasty (saying that is way more fun than it should be) is not made up of anthropomorphic ducks who have amassed an empire through years of glorious duck-combat. 

Pictured: An oddly specific representation of what my fantasy version of this show is.

Nope, it's just dumb humans doing incredibly dumb human things. In case you have had either the fortune or misfortune (I'm still deciding on which one it is) of not seeing this show I'll give you a quick synopsis of the premise. The show follows Willie Robertson, the CEO of the family duck call business, Willie's father Phil, his brothers, uncle, daughter, wife, and just about any other person who wanders out of the woods. Oh yeah, this is all happening on the Louisiana bayou, literally. Most of the show takes place in settings that would make a backwoods murderer lose his shit. Here's a promo image.

There isn't a joke that can be made that would be better than just looking at this fucking picture.

That huge fucking house in the background? Those people live there. Because they're rich. From selling duck calling devices. Exclusively. The fact that all of that stuff I just wrote is true absolutely boggles my mind. I should say that I'm not exactly well versed in the customs of Southern living and I'll probably come off as judgmental and harsh towards people whose way of life is different than mine... BUT THEY SELL DUCK CALLS! SERIOUSLY! I should also say that no amount of description can convey what exactly makes this show so absurd, it has to be experienced firsthand. 
        The show follows the aforementioned Robertson family through the working of their business and their very closely intermingled personal life as they live by the three G's: Guns, God, and goddamned guns. Seriously, the Robertson men love guns... like a lot. So many things are shot in any given episode that it's a wonder the Robertson's haven't spent all their hard earned duck dollars solely on bullets. Willie, as stated before, is the CEO of the company that his father Phil built and Willie hates sleeves. His hatred towards sleeves has a direct positive correlation with his love of camouflage, a love shared by the whole of the Robertson clan.

"Yup, ready for church."

I want to make two things very clear about Duck Dynasty. 1) I hate it. 2) I love it. Another way of saying that I guess would be that I've come away with an exactly equal amount of amusement and disdain for this show and all that it represents. This could largely be due to the fact that for all the stupid nonsense (and it's in no short supply) that comes spewing out of Duck Dynasty's disgusting duck orifices, it contains elements of things that I actually enjoy, primarily beards. Oh man do I love beards and boy can the Robertson's grow 'em. 

Willie Robertson, seen here at age one.

Literally every male human depicted in the show who is not in elementary school has a massive beard. And this should be awesome because beards are themselves awesome. What actually winds up happening is a weird normalizing effect in the power of each beard. See a kick ass manly beard is only as powerful as the strength of the contrast offered by being next to a weaker less manly and beardless specimen. It's kind of like what happens in a Nicki Minaj song where everything is exactly the same  with no variance. 
        Almost singlehandedly ruining something as near and dear to me as beards should be enough to totally put this show on my list of things to destroy at all costs (currently the list is comprised of wherever it is that they make pants that say "juicy" on them and North Carolina) but there really are some redeeming qualities to be found within DD (I'm calling it that now, keep up). You know that company the Robertson's own that I keep mentioning? It's called Duck Commander. Let that sink in. Duck Commander sounds like it should be the name of that cartoon duck.

Seriously, why is this not exactly what this show is about?

It's either that or Cobra Commander with a duck bill and after an exhaustive internet search, you get the duck warrior again. In any case Cobra Commander has never been known for his compassion towards animals.

"You don't even want to know what I do to ducks!"

        I feel like I'm getting side-tracked here... The company is called Duck Commander, that's funny, moving on. Willie is for all intents and purposes the 'business savvy' one in the cast of duck devils and most of the interpersonal dynamic of the show revolves around other people pissing him off by doing duck related things which would be considered shenanigans, different from duck business because... reasons. Anyway, one of the characters who seems to have the greatest affinity towards duck tomfoolery is Willie's uncle Si. Now Si is often the comedian as he is definitely the most screwy in the lot where a literal fortune was built on a duck fetish. 
        Uncle Si meanders through the Robertson business, blowing things up and generally making absolutely no sense. The inarticulate and often flat out wrong bits of 'southern wisdom' that Si dispenses are enough to warrant their own feature and are more often than not hilarious. 

"I'll tell ya that hotdog was quicker than a squirrel fart and my bones smell like demon pregnancy." 

You'll notice Si as being shown in the promo picture wearing the dashing hat, jacket, tie, and shorts ensemble. And while this entire post could be made up completely of pictures of Si eating, drinking, or just staring into the camera with those dead eyes of his, I feel like that might be weird. Then again this is about men who love the shit out of ducks so if you're interested just email me and I'll send you pics from my growing personal collection. 

I couldn't resist.

           All of this would well and good if the show was simply about backwards backwoods hooligans killing beavers and wranglin' ducks (can ducks be wrangled?), but at the end of every episode Duck Dynasty treats you to a fucking life lesson straight outta the good book. While it's no shocker that people who love destruction and massive tires also inexplicably love Jesus, I don't ever want to take their advice on familial relationships or the complex workings of the human condition. It aggravates me to no end that after shooting a beaver's head off, these people have the audacity to sit around their dinner table holding hands and talk at the audience (many of which have never killed a single beaver) about how THEY should live their lives.

"We're either gonna shoot you in the leg with a crossbow, or share with you the redeeming words of our  Lord and savior Jesus Christ... it could go either way"

Now obviously this is a cursory glance at the show and the people in it are just that, people. Just because I don't agree with parts of what makes up their lifestyle doesn't mean that I don't have consideration and respec--- THESE FUCKING LUNATICS ARE RICH BECAUSE OF DUCK CALLS! Phew, I was almost nice for a second there. 

- Duck Dynasty airs on A&E Wednesdays at 10/9C -

Also, here's the Duck Commander site because it's hilarious. 

-- Scott Speegle is an avid beard enthusiast and can be found wherever ducks aren't.

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